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Archive for the ‘funnies’ Category

“I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.”

– Jane Wagner

Another week nearly over, TUT, where does the time go?

Have you noticed how long it is taking the morning sun to make an appearance as well, its 5.48 and still dark?

I had a whoopee-do moment when I stood on the scales to find I had dropped to under 12 stone, 11 stone 13 I am now. (Oh it is Yoda I am sounding like). Yes I know it’s only a pound under but believe me for me that is a whoopee-do moment.

The builders have been and the house is now re-pointed, they found out why we were having so much trouble with the back window and that has now been fixed. But the mess, the mess, but as they say ‘you can’t make a cake without breaking eggs’

We went out for mom-in-laws birthday last week-end, we went to Flavourz,  it’s one of those all you can eat places. I will admit that I used to enjoy these types of places and yes I would start at one end of the counter and work my way along, I suppose because it was a novelty at first. But now when I go out for a meal I like to be served. I sit in these places now and all I can see and think about is all the waste, people piling food onto their plates and pushing half of it away but then going to get another plate full. I know I shouldn’t say what I am about to say but… most of the people piling their plates sky high could do with missing a few meals. Oooh hark at me, yes I know I am over weight but nothing like these people. I also find it rather irritating when I put only what I know I am going to eat on my plate and only have three courses to be told by other people to ‘have some more, you are paying for it, you don’t have to eat it all.’ Just because it’s eat all you want that doesn’t mean make yourself sick! Ok rant over. Heehee.

Here’s a good book Time’s Arrow by Martin Amis. Dr Tod. T. Friendly is a Nazi war criminal who escapes his body just before he dies. Tod then watches his body live its life backwards Tod knows it’s him but can’t understand what is happening and we the reader see how this old scared man became what he was. I found parts of the book set in the death camps quite surreal as people have their teeth put back in and are battered back to life. A good read.

The look on the dogs face says it all

(Just before posting I heard that Tony has died, at last he has peace)
😉

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Lets play

A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. French proverb

My answers are in pink, let me know if you play along, so I can take a look at your answers.

1. If you could choose between making time go slower or faster, which would it be?

Slower, life is passing me by so quickly, there’s such a lot I want to do with too little time to do it in.

2. If you could live without working, would you want to?

Depends on what is meant by work, doing a job which I hate just too live I could do without, but if it was a job I loved it wouldn’t be like working. So the answer to that one is yes and no.

3. If you could really know that God exists, would you want to know?

Yes

4. If you could make one person on the planet cease to exist, not murder but never have existed, who would it be ?

That’s a hard one, given that everyone’s life touches everyone else’s, every action has a reaction, to make someone not exist would change the world, and we have no guarantee it would be for the better.

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would like good heath, I have never been healthy.

6. If you could make love to anyone on the planet, who would it be?

Hubby

7. If you could have the answer to just one question, what would that question be?

Why are we here is there a master plan

8. If you could live in another time period, when would it be?

The 1950s

9. If you could trade places with another person, would you?

No everyone has their problems and I think I will stick with the ones I have, I know what I am doing with them.

10. If you could trade places with another person, who would it be?

See above.

11. If you could live in a world without criticism or judgement would you want to?

No, we learn from criticism, even if we don’t like it.

12. If you could only talk to one person for the rest of your life who would it be?

I want two, hubby and my son.

😉

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This is just so clever

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

 

😉

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Oh dear!

Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.
Edgar Allan Poe

🙂

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Time for a laugh

Originality is nothing but judicious imitation. The most original writers borrowed one from another.

Voltaire

it’s all jokes in our house at the moment, here’s a hubby joke

What’s yellow and smells like green paint?

Yellow paint.

Number ones jokes

(he got me with this one)

Have you heard this weather is upsetting the owls?

It’s too-wet too-whoo

(groan)

Have you heard about the man who brought a dog from a ironmonger?

When he got it home it made a bolt for the door

🙂

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BUSY!

 

 

 

 

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

My plan for having April off hasn’t worked, I am decorating the boxroom.  So I will leave you with this.

 

 

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building….you’d think at least one of
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – “…If you want to buy
Marijuana, press the hash key…”
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
Shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks
are too high.”
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,” Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I
know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have
a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him
down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you
give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your
oyster, go for it.’
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But
I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The
Other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
One off.
21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So
that was nice.”
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in
several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

😉

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Time to smile

I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it. ~Charles Schulz

😉

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