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Archive for the ‘funnies’ Category

“I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.”

– Jane Wagner

Another week nearly over, TUT, where does the time go?

Have you noticed how long it is taking the morning sun to make an appearance as well, its 5.48 and still dark?

I had a whoopee-do moment when I stood on the scales to find I had dropped to under 12 stone, 11 stone 13 I am now. (Oh it is Yoda I am sounding like). Yes I know it’s only a pound under but believe me for me that is a whoopee-do moment.

The builders have been and the house is now re-pointed, they found out why we were having so much trouble with the back window and that has now been fixed. But the mess, the mess, but as they say ‘you can’t make a cake without breaking eggs’

We went out for mom-in-laws birthday last week-end, we went to Flavourz,  it’s one of those all you can eat places. I will admit that I used to enjoy these types of places and yes I would start at one end of the counter and work my way along, I suppose because it was a novelty at first. But now when I go out for a meal I like to be served. I sit in these places now and all I can see and think about is all the waste, people piling food onto their plates and pushing half of it away but then going to get another plate full. I know I shouldn’t say what I am about to say but… most of the people piling their plates sky high could do with missing a few meals. Oooh hark at me, yes I know I am over weight but nothing like these people. I also find it rather irritating when I put only what I know I am going to eat on my plate and only have three courses to be told by other people to ‘have some more, you are paying for it, you don’t have to eat it all.’ Just because it’s eat all you want that doesn’t mean make yourself sick! Ok rant over. Heehee.

Here’s a good book Time’s Arrow by Martin Amis. Dr Tod. T. Friendly is a Nazi war criminal who escapes his body just before he dies. Tod then watches his body live its life backwards Tod knows it’s him but can’t understand what is happening and we the reader see how this old scared man became what he was. I found parts of the book set in the death camps quite surreal as people have their teeth put back in and are battered back to life. A good read.

The look on the dogs face says it all

(Just before posting I heard that Tony has died, at last he has peace)
😉

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Lets play

A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. French proverb

My answers are in pink, let me know if you play along, so I can take a look at your answers.

1. If you could choose between making time go slower or faster, which would it be?

Slower, life is passing me by so quickly, there’s such a lot I want to do with too little time to do it in.

2. If you could live without working, would you want to?

Depends on what is meant by work, doing a job which I hate just too live I could do without, but if it was a job I loved it wouldn’t be like working. So the answer to that one is yes and no.

3. If you could really know that God exists, would you want to know?

Yes

4. If you could make one person on the planet cease to exist, not murder but never have existed, who would it be ?

That’s a hard one, given that everyone’s life touches everyone else’s, every action has a reaction, to make someone not exist would change the world, and we have no guarantee it would be for the better.

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would like good heath, I have never been healthy.

6. If you could make love to anyone on the planet, who would it be?

Hubby

7. If you could have the answer to just one question, what would that question be?

Why are we here is there a master plan

8. If you could live in another time period, when would it be?

The 1950s

9. If you could trade places with another person, would you?

No everyone has their problems and I think I will stick with the ones I have, I know what I am doing with them.

10. If you could trade places with another person, who would it be?

See above.

11. If you could live in a world without criticism or judgement would you want to?

No, we learn from criticism, even if we don’t like it.

12. If you could only talk to one person for the rest of your life who would it be?

I want two, hubby and my son.

😉

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This is just so clever

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

 

😉

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Oh dear!

Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.
Edgar Allan Poe

🙂

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Time for a laugh

Originality is nothing but judicious imitation. The most original writers borrowed one from another.

Voltaire

it’s all jokes in our house at the moment, here’s a hubby joke

What’s yellow and smells like green paint?

Yellow paint.

Number ones jokes

(he got me with this one)

Have you heard this weather is upsetting the owls?

It’s too-wet too-whoo

(groan)

Have you heard about the man who brought a dog from a ironmonger?

When he got it home it made a bolt for the door

🙂

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BUSY!

 

 

 

 

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

My plan for having April off hasn’t worked, I am decorating the boxroom.  So I will leave you with this.

 

 

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building….you’d think at least one of
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – “…If you want to buy
Marijuana, press the hash key…”
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
Shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks
are too high.”
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,” Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I
know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have
a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him
down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you
give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your
oyster, go for it.’
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But
I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The
Other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
One off.
21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So
that was nice.”
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in
several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

😉

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Time to smile

I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it. ~Charles Schulz

😉

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Men are like

1. Men are like…Laxatives….. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like… Bananas… The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like… Weather… Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like…..Blenders… you need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like….. Chocolate Bars…. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like…. Commercials……. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like….Department Stores…. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like …….Government Bonds…. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like…..Mascara….. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like…. Popcorn….. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like…. Snowstorms…. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ………Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.

😉

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When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
Every cubicle is occupied.
But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.
You get in to find the door won’t lock. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ’seat covers’ is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn’t ¬ so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume ‘the position’.
In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘the position’.
To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it’s empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty.. You hover looking around in the hope there’s a new roll behind you ¬ no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday ¬ the one that’s still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn’t work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an ‘unknown’ puddle on the floor.
If that isn’t enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up and… sit down … directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
Yes – it’s wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late.
Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ and life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your disheveled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself.
You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you more onto the hand blower, which yes you’ve guessed it that doesn’t work either!
You’re no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there’s an unspoken understanding between you all.
A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this’.
As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?’
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question ¬ Why do women always go to the loos in pairs?
It’s so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!

😉

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Still busy.

Why torture yourself when life’ll do it for you? ~Author Unknown

Yesterday was a beautiful day bright sunny and warm in the sun, although not out of it. So I spent most of the day in the garden, cleaning the green house and tidying. I am however not going to fall into the trap of ‘it’s sunny let’s put the winter clothes away’ which is what I have done the past two years and too be perfectly honesty I don’t think any of my summer clothes will fit anyway, best to stick with the big jumpers. 🙂

And now ….

How Various English Phrases Developed

LIFE IN THE 1500
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
Water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how
Things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
Bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

🙂
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water.

🙂
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying. It’s raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

😉
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, Dirt poor.

🙂
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

😉
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

😉
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

😉
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

😉
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

😉
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a wake.

😉
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) To listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that’s the truth
Now, whoever said History was boring!

🙂

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