Archive for November, 2011

25 days

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I was thinking the other day, (well I was prompted into it by an article I had read about present that should not be given), about what used to appear in my Christmas stocking, over the years not all at once. First there were the pretty hankies in boxes which I never used because they were too pretty. Bath cubes, they always came in a box, each being wrapped in foil and a paper band, and you would throw them into the bath was wait. If you were lucky they would change the colour of the water, but never smelt of anything if you were unlucky they wouldn’t totally dissolve and would hurt like hell when you stood on them. Along the same vain were bath crystals, sometimes in a plastic bag, sometimes in a jar. Lumps of coloured rock which you also threw into your bath, these would change the colour of the water. Little plastic radios were another one, they never seem to last much longer that the first set of batteries, they came with an earpiece and I would put mine on in bed and listen to it whilst pretending to be asleep. Then there were the colouring books and wax crayons and painting by numbers, tapestry sets, each box with include a ring (which never held the cloth), a piece of cloth with a picture for you to sew over usually a cottage and garden, lots of coloured thread and needles. I nearly always got a matchbox car and plastic soldiers. Boxes of orange and lemon jelly slices in a round box that always had a blob of red jelly in the middle to represent a cherry.

What do you remember?

I really don’t understand how some of the government decisions are going to make things better; yes they are offing more nursery places to 2 year olds, but making 710.000 public sector workers redundant, so what is the point of offering nursery places, there won’t be any jobs for the mothers to go to, and isn’t being a stay at home mother a worthwhile job? There’s plenty of time to go to work when the child reaches school age.  They are also freezing rail and bus fares in London what about the rest of us?

The hospital went well. After a lot of drops and lights and peering into my eyes the doctor told me I had a smaller mark on my other eye too, and he thinks they may be birth marks. I have to go back in six months to have the tests repeated and to check that the marks haven’t moved or got any bigger. The only down side was I couldn’t go and pick up my new glasses because I couldn’t see haha, the drops make your eyes very blurry and it took hours for my sight to come back.

Alzheimer’s Test

How fast can you guess these words with missing letters?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM









3. SIX

You got all 6 wrong didn’t you?

Well, Congratulations!
You don’t have Alzheimer’s – but you are a pervert.


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26 and counting

Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.

-Michael Caine

Only great minds can read this

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


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27 to go

God could not be everywhere, so he made mothers – Jewish proverb

a game to drive you mad


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My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can. ~Cary Grant

Here we go again it’s that time of year. This type of article drives me mad what gifts you shouldn’t give. Personal I think you should be thankful if people have bothered at all, and I love to receive gifts that are useful like socks and shower gel, and would feel honored to receive anything homemade; if it’s homemade it’s made with love.

Here’s a few good things on over Christmas, there’s a few in here I wouldn’t mind seeing.

The pickled strawberries were lovely by the way.

Next email…

Next time you have a bad day at work – think of this guy …… Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest . Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother… Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’ Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day !
Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.


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Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.

Oscar Wilde

Yesterday I popped to the doctors with my referral letter from the opticians, the doctor looked in my eye and said leave it with me, so I did. I had been home about an hour when I had a called from the surgery receptionist to say my doctor had said he wanted my eye looked at urgently so she had been on to the hospital and they want to see me this coming Tuesday, I love the NHS.

A very old Email…

Security levels around the world

For those of you traveling abroad you might want to consider the following:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels and this is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British Army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Stiff Leg Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper planes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “fuck”, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Two more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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Yea! It’s the weekend

Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.


Westminster bridge, London …

The Mayor of London has decreed that Westminster bridge will be closed in the early afternoon on sunny days. This is because a strange phenomenon happens when sunlight passes through the balustrade of the bridge, forming a small army of….. well…… see for yourself!

Oh and I nearly forgot, Happy Black friday and Merry Shopping to you all across the pond.


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Variation Law   –  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Three Parrots slide down the chutes.

(Just watch and wait)

So yesterday I decided a day of baking was needed. I made several tons of mince pies and mince puffs with my home made mincemeat, not all for us; I am going to plate some on pretty plates for a pre-Christmas treat for dad and mother-in-law. I also made a batch of Christmas Florentines some of which I am going to box for dad and mother-in-law. Then I poached some of the pears from the garden and popped them in the freezer, yum pear crumble.

All you Doctor Who fans out there here’s some news on the Christmas special Other specials I would like to see are Outnumbered and Downton Abbey It’s been a long time comeing but this year Ab fab is back too.


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